I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
