Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
