my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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