My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
