First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
