I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
