i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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