he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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