I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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