Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
