How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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