So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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