it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
