I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
