This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
