Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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