I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
