I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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