Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
