theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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