Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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