My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are we still banned from the library?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
