all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
