why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
