come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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