is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
