somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
