New invention idea: vibrating tampons
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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