Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
