slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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