if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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