you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
