Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
