69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
