Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
