I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
