Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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