Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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