is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
