Soap is not a condiment
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
