ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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