I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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