I just made out with a guy for $7.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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