When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
