Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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