he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
