He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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