Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This toilet bowl is my home.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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