a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
