me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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